Matrescence: Becoming a Mother (and Wondering Who You Are Now)

Written By Jay D. N

No one really tells you this part.

They tell you about labour.
They warn you about sleep deprivation.
They might even mention the nappies.

But they rarely tell you that becoming a mother can feel as emotionally destabilising as adolescence — except this time, you’re expected to hold it all together while keeping another human alive.

This profound transition has a name: matrescence.

The Unnamed Upheaval

The emotional upheaval of becoming a mother/parent is as real and as tumultuous as adolescence, yet it remains largely unnamed in medical textbooks and poorly understood in everyday conversation.

Many new mothers and parents, expect to feel instantly joyful, deeply fulfilled, and instinctively capable. Instead, they’re met with a confusing mix of love and loss, confidence and self-doubt, tenderness and overwhelm. This disconnect — between what we’re told motherhood should feel like and what it actually feels like — can be deeply unsettling.

Matrescence gives language to this experience. It describes the hormonal, physical, emotional, and identity shifts that occur as a woman becomes a mother (or birthing person becomes a parent). And crucially, it reframes confusion and discomfort not as failure or pathological, but as a very ‘usual’ developmental process.

In other words: nothing has gone wrong. Something important is happening.

You’re Not Ill — You’re in Transition

Society often struggles to hold complexity, especially in parenthood. When new mothers voice ambivalence, grief for their former selves, or a sense of disorientation, these feelings are too quickly misunderstood — or medicalised.

While postnatal depression and anxiety are real and deserve serious attention, not all distress is illness. Matrescence is frequently mistaken for something that needs fixing, rather than something that needs support, time, and understanding. This misunderstanding can fuel shame and stigma, leaving mothers/parents feeling isolated at the very moment they need connection most.

Naming matrescence matters. When women and birthing people have language for what they’re experiencing, it reduces fear, eases isolation, and opens the door to more honest conversations about what early parenthood truly feels like.

The Tug-of-War No One Warns You About

At the heart of matrescence is a quiet, ongoing tug-of-war.

On one side: the intense pull to care for your baby — to attune, protect, nurture, and respond.
On the other: the equally human need to preserve a sense of self — your identity, autonomy, creativity, and inner world.

This tension is not selfishness.
It’s not a lack of gratitude.
It’s a natural part of becoming a mother and parent.

Preserving a mother’s sense of self doesn’t compete with a child’s needs — it supports them. Mothers who feel seen, supported, and whole are better resourced to nurture their children’s emotional and relational growth.

Why Talking About This Changes Everything

When matrescence is spoken about openly, something powerful happens. Mothers realise they are not alone. The fog lifts. The inner critic softens.

Honest conversations about identity loss, mixed emotions, and uncertainty can:

  • Reduce unnecessary fear and shame

  • Lower the risk of misdiagnosis

  • Encourage timely, appropriate support

  • Help mothers trust themselves again

This is why community, postnatal care, and spaces that centre the mother matter so deeply — not because they’re fragile, but because they’re undergoing transformation.

Honouring the Becoming

Matrescence doesn’t ask you to bounce back.
It asks you to slow down.

To allow room for contradiction.
To grieve who you were.
To meet who you are becoming.

You are not failing at motherhood.
You are learning it — while being remade by it.

And that deserves far more tenderness, patience, and care than we currently offer.



FAQs: Understanding Matrescence

Q1. What is matrescence?

Matrescence describes the physical, emotional, hormonal, and psychological changes a woman experiences as she becomes a mother. Similar to adolescence, it is a natural developmental transition that reshapes identity, relationships, and sense of self. Matrescence can begin during pregnancy and continue well beyond the postpartum period.

Q2. How is matrescence different from postnatal depression?

Matrescence is a normal life transition, not a mental health disorder. Postnatal depression and anxiety are clinical conditions that require support and treatment. While matrescence can coexist with postpartum mental health challenges, experiencing confusion, emotional shifts, or identity changes alone does not mean something is wrong.

Q3. Why does matrescence feel so overwhelming?

Matrescence can feel overwhelming because it involves significant hormonal changes alongside major identity and lifestyle shifts — often without adequate rest, community support, or realistic expectations. Many mothers feel pressure to cope silently, which can intensify feelings of isolation or self-doubt.

Q4. Is it normal to grieve your old life after becoming a mother or parent?

Yes. Grieving aspects of your pre-parenthood identity during matrescence is common and healthy. Loving your baby deeply can coexist with missing your independence, routines, or former sense of self. These feelings are part of adaptation, not failure.

Q5. How long does matrescence last?

Matrescence doesn’t have a fixed end point. For some, it is most intense in pregnancy and the early postpartum months; for others, it unfolds gradually over several years as motherhood evolves. Like all developmental transitions, it is non-linear and deeply individual.

Q6. What kind of support helps during matrescence?

Support during matrescence may include emotional listening, practical help, rest, and spaces where mothers can speak honestly without judgement. Postnatal doulas, peer support groups, therapy, and community-based care can all help mothers feel held during this transition.

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Jay D. N
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